Couch to 5k in 9 weeks?

The time has come to get rid of this weight…

(Stop looking through my other posts for the exact same sentence)

I mean it. Actually I do and I can tell you why.

I am feeling great.

This has come as bit of a shock to me too, as I have spent what feels like months  feeling low.

Feeling tired and exhausted.

Exercise always made me feel better, but it was motivating me that was the problem. I was so tired; whenever I got a moment to myself I just went to bed.

If I am honest with myself I would say this has lasted more than months, Last summer I asked my health visitor for help.

“I’m just so tired, I can’t tell anymore if I am just tired or if it is something more…”

I saw the nursery nurse once a week to help me get Smaller Beautiful to sleep instead of screaming for hours on end in the middle of the night.

(Those who follow me on Twitter will know what a mess I have been and how heart breaking this was)

 I also saw the health visitor once a week to “talk”. Our last session consisted of me wanting to talk about how low I was feeling, how the hoarder was driving me insane and thought it was funny (thinks it is funny) to simply tell me to shut up.

Instead It turned into a “Oh yeah my husband did this when I had my children, I totally get that”

No you don’t love. Because only I get to live in my world and experience my world…You are nowhere near my phenomenal field, never mind on the edge of it!

I never made another appointment and actually have not seen her or the nursery nurse since…no developmental checkups, no support, no baby check ups…nothing.

As time has gone on I feel like I have lost a year…it’s a blur of sleepless nights. Then I had to go back to work.

This tipped the balance.

My house is a tip and The Hoarders family members have been talking behind my back about it…

(Got to love little kids who repeat the adult conversations they hear! At least my mother tells me to my face)

I went back to work in October and gave myself a whole load of excuses why I was not working to the standard I had been.

The service had changed so much it was like starting a new job

Smaller Beautiful wasn’t sleeping still.

I couldn’t do late nights anymore so that 2-10 shifts were really hard on me.

It’s taking me longer to learn the new call structures as I am only in a few days a week.

In the end, actually last week, they threatened me with an action plan…an action plan to help me with the job I have been doing for 6 years, I used to get 80’s, 90’s and 100% marks for my work in my 1-1 with my manager. Now I am getting 70’s and threatened with an action plan.

I couldn’t take anymore.

I can guarantee that an entire week has not passed over the last year without me crying at least once. Often over small stuff that I could not get my head around, other times I would sob as I searched through our local housing association website desperate to get out of a relationship I thought was destructive. I still have little trust in it, but I can see that I have my part to play in that.

On Monday I visited a GP since I had cried everyday for 2 weeks. A very nice and new GP who had listened to me about my daughter wetting herself suddenly and bedwetting after being dry (possibly stress related but we have had some tests back indicating a urine infection too)

Anyway, I bit the bullet to go and talk about the possibility I had PND.  When I got there I was so nervous that I almost chickened out. I am still kicking myself that I didn’t really tell him everything.

I told him about the lack of motivation, how everything felt like an effort, how I cried several times a week and often burst into tears just because the washing up had piled up (not that The hoarder had only done half of it before falling asleep on the sofa). I told him I felt hopeless, I was not sleeping at night even when Smaller Beautiful did. I told him I thought I would be feeling better by now since she was sleeping better over the past 2 months.

He asked if I still got the same enjoyment from activities…I told him…not really. I never told him that I play with my kids and do the craft things that I used to do, because I have to, not because I enjoy them. I did not tell him that Smaller Beautiful does not have the same mummy that Big Beautiful had, and that Big Beautiful no longer has the mummy she once had.

I made it clear that I had no intention of hurting myself and no suicidal thoughts and I am making that clear here today, I can see the value in my life and what I would be leaving.

That said, I did not tell him that I often thought of walking out…just walking and never stopping…like Forest Gump, but I don’t run!

Then I decided to try St Johns wort. I remember an aunt I lived with in my teens had taken it and found it helped her, so I thought if it doesn’t work then I have lost nothing.

I am a new woman.

I have energy

I have played with my babies and enjoyed it, rolled on the floor with them and laughed really loud, out loud (See my last {This Moment} post.)

I am still not sleeping, but perhaps that will come in time once my brain and body realise that Smaller Beautiful is really sleeping (like my GP suggested, along with counselling and blood tests)

I have done all the washing, hovered and I’m planning more…I even did a 45 minute Zumba session on the Wii today.

So I may have mentioned the couch to 5k which is a running plan for beginners from the NHS live well site. I also mentioned that I don’t run. But running is what I am thinking of doing, I have been invited to do a 5k fun run with a colleague. It is only the past couple of days that I’m actually thinking seriously about it.

I’m going to give running a try. It’s free, I can do it while the kids are in bed for a short time before the hoarder goes to work or I can take Smaller Beautiful in the push chair.

Can you help? Can you keep me motivated? The NHS have podcasts to download each week and guide you through the process. So I have put them on my phone and plan to go for my first of three weekly sessions on Monday. I will be tweeting about this so come follow me @Mummy_Ethal and I plan on trying to blog at least every week once I have finished the NHS programme for that week.

I promise not to run away and keep on running.


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