I have been struggling recently.
I am not sure how to explain this. I have been struggling with life and mostly it is all self inflicted.
On Thursday 1st December I was meant to go out for a meal and a few drinks with the instructor and the other mummies from the Pushy Mothers group I have been going to since Smaller Beautiful was about 6 months old.
I didn’t go. I didn’t go because I was sat on my bed in tears at how fat and disgusting I looked in everything I wore, so then I took it off and cried at how fat and disgusting my body is.
The problem is a few months ago I was well on track with my weight loss. A size 14 by Christmas was achievable. It started when I received some quite awful, but truthful comments from the older generations in my family, they may be wiser but certainly not nicer.
So I decided I didn’t want to pay to do the whole weightwatchers slimming world thing. I could do this on my own.
I read a few blogs and comments on Twitter about something called Thinking Slimmer and thought it sounded right up my street. You listen to the slimpod which is 10minutes long everyday and this aims to motivate you and allow you to change the way you see yourself and your relationship with food.
I can do that. At 30.00 a pop it’s not cheap, but if it works then I was willing to give it a shot. As well as the CD/slimpod you get a workbook and a contract that you make to yourself.
This started off great, I started to see small differences just after a few days, I stopped pigging out in the evening, I recognised that I was eating when I was tired, so instead I went to bed (and played on Twitter). I was eating less, not because I was told to, but because I was full. Eventually I decided I needed to exercise. I had been doing pushy mothers but I found as my energy levels increased I needed to do more. I joined a Zumba class and a Spinning class. I no longer had the hang ups I once had about my body and being the fat person in the gym…I started losing weight, my clothes started to get looser and jeans that are gathering dust at the back of my wardrobe could be pulled on and actually fastened…a few more inches and I could actually wear them.
I had so much energy, it was great.
Slowly I start to forget to listen to my slimpod; instead of listening when I went to bed I listened to music or fell asleep. At some point I stopped listening altogether. The paper on the fridge where I had written Trevor’s quote “Eat less, move more, choose better” was replaced with the shopping list.
Then I went back to work after my maternity leave, I found this really hard going with two little ones, a Hoarder who needs a kick start and tonne of weight to haul around with me. So I missed a few spinning classes, then the Zumba, then pushy mums.
And now I have put back on all the weight I have lost. How could I go out with all those mums who are still exercising and losing weight, all of them thinner than I am with babies younger than mine? On that Thursday December evening all I could think is that I am a lazy fat mess and I have no one to blame but myself.
So I am starting again. I am going to start by listening to my slimpod. I have read mixed reports about this on the blogs out there, but I know it was working for me. All I need to find now is a reminder pod that reminds me to listen to my slimpod, and maybe then a reminderreminderpod to remind me to remember to listen to the reminder pod to remind me to listen to the slimpod….you get the idea.
Failing that I am counting on you to kick me up the behind on the comments here and on Twitter (@Mummy_Ethal)
I promise I won’t blame you if I start sabotaging my weight loss again. This is all on me (and so are all those mince pies!)